Move-In Parent to Parent Advice: Jennifer Sullivan, Thames Faculty

Jennifer and her daughters

In the 10 years that I have worked at Thames Academy (going on 11 yrs!) I have experienced 10 move-in days and 10 graduations and honestly move-in days are my favorite day of the year !! Professionally, I have always been drawn to beginnings: to Orientations, Open Houses, and Move-in Day. I am excited by your excitement, your nervousness and the possibilities that the new year holds. Nothing has been decided, your son/daughter is ready to create their own future and you, as parents, are just about to start a new journey in your role as parent of a college student (or maybe an empty-nester!).

I recently read the article What My Child's ADHD Taught Me and was touched by so many of the author's lessons that she learned by having a son with ADHD. As a parent myself to two daughters (one of them about to start middle school!), I can relate to these lessons and want to comment on  2 of my favorites...

His greatest strengths are the most important ones

 Your son/daughter will experience many transitions this year including making new friends, living with a roommate, joining a club or activity, taking medication independently, and taking classes on a college campus. These can seem to be monumental tasks!! Remember that your son/daughter has strengths in one or more of these areas and may struggle in one or more area as well. Once the year begins, he/she will be trying to navigate all of these changes at once. I'm not sure that I could navigate all of the same changes easily if I had to do it again!! Try to remember that although you may wish he/she was acclimating faster or growing in more areas, your son/daughter has many strengths and we know this year they will reveal all of their wonderful qualities to us. Your young adult may be struggling with making friends, but he is conscientious and remembered to do his laundry the first week! Your daughter may struggle in the classroom, but she and her roommate created a roommate agreement together and are getting along very well! Celebrate the small successes!

As you already know, your son/daughter has many, many strengths!! Being away from home in a college readiness program that encourages social/emotional, residential and academic growth will give him/her many opportunities to shine in a variety of ways! Thames staff will recognize and celebrate your son/daughter's strengths (large and small) and we hope that you will too!

You can be aggravated and frustrated - and still love someone to death

A well known line around my house when my almost 11 yr old daughter gets frustrated with me is that I tell her that my heart grows bigger the angrier she gets. She doesn't believe me but I say that the angrier she is, the bigger my heart gets and the more I love her. She usually smiles after this and it becomes our little joke that diffuses some of her anger in the moment (and reminds myself that I shouldn't get angry too).

In the first few weeks of the semester (maybe first few days), you may:

   - Get texts or phone calls home from your son/daughter that annoy you (I'm sure this NEVER happens).
   - You may even see posts on facebook at 3:00am when you know your college student should be sleeping!
   - Or you may see debits in the bank account for late night pizza...five days a week!

I challenge you to try to change your perspective when this happens....maybe you will need to ask your spouse or partner to remind you ....when your son/daughter annoys or frustrates you the most try to focus instead on your heart growing bigger. 

I remember someone telling me once when my daughters were younger to meet their energy with the opposite energy. For example, when toddlers yell and throw tantrums, get down on your knees and whisper to them instead of yelling back. I guarantee your whisper will get their attention. Yes, I tried this with my daughter and said to her in a whisper "I can't hear you, you're talking too loud." I know, this makes no sense, right? Exactly. But it makes you pause and think about it and it made my daughter pause too. When your ADHD son is pacing (or bouncing) around the house with nervous energy, try to be the calming influence with the soft voice. I know - easier said than done.

Above all, know that as a parent it is ok to feel conflicting feelings especially around move-in day. You may feel sad that your daughter is leaving and also glad to have a quiet house to yourself. You may feel relief that your son has left the house but then cry when you return home and see his sneakers or baseball hat.

Parents (and teachers) are experts at balancing and managing multiple projects and sometimes many emotions at once. Give yourself to permission to feel angry at your son/daughter during the next few weeks....because I will be standing next to you on move-in day with the tissues when it is time to leave.

Jennifer Sullivan, Thames Faculty